I just returned from a long vacation. Here’s the “out of office” message I’ve been using


 

I’m on vacation until 8/17/2009. If you can’t reach me, please don’t think I’m dead, especially if you’re from payroll (if you’re not from payroll, I don’t really care what you think. Except you, boss).
 
During my vacation, I will ignore most of my incoming emails. Why? Because being on vacation, I’m likely to be frolicking on a beach or something, and reading emails is incompatible with frolicking. I MAY read your email, but try not to hold your breath.
 
If your request is important, please email me again after I return. If your request is not important, please send it to /dev/null, it will be taken care of in the most appropriate way, I promise.
 
In case of an absolute emergency that requires my immediate attention, my teammates know how to contact me. Bribe them. Tell them they look beautiful. Say they look almost as attractive as Meng.
 
Examples of “absolute emergency”:
– You are the President of the United States.
– You are Celine Dion.
– You urgently want to give me a billion dollars.
– Your party at the Playboy Mansion cannot start without me.
– Evil forces intent to destroy the world today (Note: not AFTER my vacation, but today) and you think I’m the only one who can save the world.
– You discovered that I’m The One, and you must find me before the Agents to give me that “blue pill, red pill” speech.
– All of the above.
 
During my time away, I will refrain from becoming evil. But if I do become evil, I promise I will grow a goatee and rub my hands in a sinister way when I speak. And if I capture a superhero sent to stop me, I will painstakingly explain my evil plans in detail to him/her before handing him/her to my snickering, incompetent goons.
 
 
Meng
 
(PS: Too lazy to stalk me physically? Try stalking me online by following my blog: www.mengstupiditis.com )